I have this Light in me that won’t fade. It consumes me. Most days all I can do is stand in awe with hands lifted high at the wonder of it all. All I want to do is surrender in praise and in gratitude.
So many miracles have transpired since I produced that tiny mustard seed.. And trials. Oh, there are many of those too. Almost like a resistance in faith, which rips deep, leaving bigger faith to endure. I don’t always like the trials but I’ve come to an age that I know I am not alone, even if I physically am. I’m not. I am surrounded and held…
I have this heartache to be close to that Light…and I cannot get enough. I have to connect to it each day and recharge. It’s the only way I can make it through my day. A refueling of sorts.
I ran out of strength a long time ago. I’ve lost people close to me; including one who faded from this world beyond my control. It’s a strange vulnerability to be LEFT. I know it’s a part of life…those seasons. Fading, dying, regrowth. And you know you need the Light to grow. These trials make you believe you’ve been buried, with tears like rain; yet you’ve been planted and ready to become new. The darkness is not forever.
I pray in song. I hear His voice in the words… sometimes He gives me the words that I sing and I feel Him near. The tears pour out and I really don’t know why. But yet I do, all once. I am fascinated by how incredibly weak I am but how strong He is.
I am done with imitation. I no longer believe the lies. The lies that say I’ll be happy when… or after or if.. or with.. Lies that say I need to numb the difficult things. The lies that say what happiness is. Happiness is Jesus. He is my happiness. He never runs out, yet I constantly want more of Him.
My humanity runs on fumes. I eventually crack. I yell, I scream, I lament. I fail and come up short. Jesus never runs out. When I invite Him into EVERY aspect of my life it’s no longer me dealing with life but it’s Him though me, dealing with it. I can’t do anything without Him. I have an expiration date. He does not. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. All the things that were once hard for me become manageable with His never-ending Grace. The help is there at our fingertips. Love is here, Love is now. It’s readily available.
There was a time, in the last few years.. I didn’t feel like enough. I didn’t know I was precious and so deeply loved by a God who created ME to use for His glory. I was never meant to do it alone, but I was living like I was. I poured from an empty cup and I ran dry trying to compensate for what I wasn’t. I wasn’t created to be all the things. That’s what God is for.
When you invite Christ in and give Him permission over your life.. your life becomes NOT about you, which is contrary to what the world tells us about success, posessions or beauty and self-reliance. Self preservation blocks us from the vulnerability of receiving the Father’s love.. We weren’t meant to tough it out. When we are weak we are truly strong in HIM. I’ve fallen clumsily on my face most of my life coming to that realization. Just be still and let Him love you where you are!!
I can finally say, “I love me”, because it’s Jesus living in me and allowing me to see myself through His eyes. When I shine, it’s Him you see. When I’m patient, it’s Him who speaks softly. When I speak truth out of love, it is He who delivers the message. When I smile, it’s He who gives me the strength to do so when the world says I have every right to curl up in the fetal position and wilt. God gives me a reason to smile and strength to reach out to those other souls who don’t know that His comfort is a “Yes” away. Just allow Him into your heart..
You can be brave in Him. He will give you courage. You are called and sent forth for amazing things. You were paid for with a great price. You are loved and cherished and precious. There is a great plan and a purpose for your life. I promise.
Rest in that truth and shine.